- Sister: *Plays Suicide Silence song*
- Me: I am not into this
- Sister: *Stares*
- Sister: I AM NOT INTO YOUR ATTITUDE.
I honestly hate this summer so much. I can’t wait for it to be the end of august so I can buy my school supplies and go to pride and then be miserable at my normal level instead of this shit.
There was a cute girl at the Flame tonight and I really wanted to tell her how cute she was but I got nervous and didn’t instead.
Holy crap so I just wrote the boss battle scene for the story I’m working on and
A guilty smile pricked at the corner of her mouth. “I can’t get you to a hospital. There’s no way we’ll make it.”
“I know,” He nodded. “I always hoped I’d die in the arms of a pretty ginger.”
Today, I went out and spent $50 on healthy groceries, including brown rice, vegetables and fruits, coconut water, and chicken breasts. I did pretty well today. That is, of course, until I had a whole bunch of ice cream. It seems that feminine cravings always get the best of me.
But, you know what? It’s okay, I feel. I did well today, and I will do well tomorrow. I like rice and I feel like it’ll be a good substitute for bread for me, and I picked out some really good apples.
Side note, maybe it’s the URL talking, but I’m thinking about creating a second blog to help motivate me and to connect with people who can help me out. Would you guys be into that?
I just want to cry and sleep and be alone, but all three of those make my headache worse.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain. I ate less than half my daily allowance of calories and I still feel like I overate. The good news is that this is getting easier, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on a food party when I cut back. So that’s good.
I’m so glad you asked.
I woke up this morning and my body didn’t want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep all day. But I can’t, because it’s my day off. And hell no am I wasting it.
Then i had breakfast and planned to do my laundry. (Spoiler alert: Breakfast was tuna salad and laundry didn’t happen.)
Then, made a new Pokemon deck with my sister and played Assassin’s Creed for the rest of the night.
I just feel so sick right now. Tomorrow I have to babysit and, even though it’ll be easy because the girl I’m watching will have a friend over, I’m still not excited for it. My body hurts everywhere and I’m freezing but also sweating. And today was the worst fat day. You don’t even know.
Why was losing weight and being healthy so easy for me in the beginning? Why can’t I just go back to it? What the hell, Me?
Then I had an argument with my parents in which I told them that they suck and called them bigots and now I think they’re mad at me even though they say they aren’t and I just don’t have the energy to react to all of it in a healthy way.
I feel like shit.
I consumed too much Vitamin D, so I am feeling really terrible from that. It makes my stomach feel like it’s filled with wet socks and my head feel like it just wants to crawl in bed and never, ever come out. Ever.
I was stressing about wanting to go to that Fun. concert, but it’s sold out so no worries there.
I just really want to go home. It sounds and feels so ungrateful because I have this amazing opportunity to explore England and here I am, lying in bed and hating myself and wishing I could go home.
I miss my bed, but if I went home there would be another body sleeping in it.
I miss my dog, but he probably doesn’t even remember me.
I miss my sister, but we only get to see each other on weekends on Skype.
I miss my friends, but they’re all leaving me for school in the fall.
And I can’t go with them.
I can’t afford to go with them. I can’t afford rent at an apartment other than the one my parents are saying that they’re going to build in the basement for me but that I really doubt will ever exist. I can’t even afford rent where I”m at right now, for fuck’s sake.
I miss Dion. I miss having somebody that I could drive to in the middle of the night and snuggle with.
I miss human interaction. I haven’t seen a human face other than the ones at Tesco that were just a blur.
I can feel the anxiety setting in. I haven’t had an attack since February, and I’d really like to keep it that way. Help me.
I have been asking everyone I do not hate to come see Fun with me in Bristol. Why will no one go? It’s only 17 quid. If I wanted to see them in the USA, it’d be at least 50 bucks.
I’m calling them Siren’s Songs.
So far, they’re just me gushing and aching to have what isn’t mine.
I’ve been reading the Bible recently to see if I can solidify my beliefs, and I’m really confused.
I started with the New Testament, because that’s supposedly what sets my faith apart from others. I got my highlighter out and prepared to highlight every time Jesus says he hates someone.
And, you know what? I’m 3/4 through it, and Jesus has not said anything about gays AT ALL.
This is interesting, because our new Pope has spoken out against the gays every chance he gets because it’s so wrong that he feels like he has to just mention it every chance he gets.
I’m Catholic. I’m not embarrassed of that. But, I’m not nearly as Catholic as my parents and most of the other people I’ve met who identify as Catholic.
-My God is a loving God. He created everyone so he could love us, not to hate us and tell us that we suck.
-My God doesn’t make mistakes. He created us with imperfections so we can overcome them and make ourselves and others better because of it.
-My God will forgive me, because that’s what he promised me he’d do.
I just don’t understand.
I think I’ve decided not to.
Yeah, it’d be great to go out and see people and new places I haven’t been, but I don’t know if the nightclub scene is for me.
Besides, hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be able to download the Sims expansion I bought and I can spend the day sitting in my basketball shorts without a bra.
I’ve decided, though, that I’m going to start tracking what I eat again.
I feel like since I came to England, I’ve kind of let go of any discipline I had and started just doing whatever the hell I wanted. I don’t want to be fat and unhappy forever, that much is true. But, for the time being, I’d just like to focus on coming home less than 10 pounds heavier than I was when I left.
It’s a lot of work, guys, being delicious.
That’s what I’ve decided to call my figure. Curvy is true, but it’s not that accurate. I’ll instead use words like ‘delicious,’ ‘tasty,’ and ‘unf.’ Those are more accurate.
That’s all. I’m gonna finish watching Harry Potter 6 now.